


Turning Back the Clock

by AngryPurpleHead



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Cerberus - Freeform, Citadel Coup, Explicit Sex, Fluff, Hurt, M/M, Misunderstandings, Normandy SR-2 - Freeform, Reconciliation Sex, Regret, Romance, Slash, Some departures from canon, Trust, horizon - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:49:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngryPurpleHead/pseuds/AngryPurpleHead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan and Shepard parted acrimoniously on Horizon but, the memory of their stolen night never forgotten, Kaidan fights to win back the man he hurt so badly after they meet again in Vancouver.  But does Shepard still feel the same and can he forgive the man he once loved?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Horizon's Legacy

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a four-parter and is just my take on the MShenko story. There's some game dialogue in this first chapter. Explicit sex in chapter four. :-)

**Horizon, Iera System, 2185**

It'd been two years since they'd seen each other, since they'd shared that night in the XO quarters before Ilos. Since they'd confessed their love for each other and sworn that, if they came through their mission, that night would be the first of many.

Two whole years since Kaidan had attended Shepard's memorial service, since he'd sworn off love forever because it only brought him pain. Two years since Shepard's body had been recovered by Cerberus and Project Lazarus had begun.

Two years might as well have been two minutes, though, because as soon as their eyes met, both men knew that nothing had changed.

And yet, _everything_ had changed.

Shepard was the first to initiate contact, stepping forward and pulling Kaidan into a fierce hug.

"God, you don't know how good it is to see you, just to see another familiar face. Let me look at you."

He pulled back, a chill running through him when he noticed that Kaidan's arms were still at his sides.

"You look good, Kai," he began hesitantly, trailing off when Alenko failed to look him in the eye.

"Shepard. Heard you were still alive, but I didn't know what to believe," Kaidan said stiffly, taking a small step back. "I mean, I thought you might have let me know. I'm sure there were a lot of people you could have told, I guess I just hoped I might have been one of them. Looks like I was wrong."

Shepard recognised the injury in Kaidan's voice and stepped closer, dread seizing his gut when Kaidan maintained the distance between them.

"Until a couple of weeks ago I was in a lab being rebuilt," he explained. "I _was_ dead but I was brought back."

Kaidan took a further step back.

"I know this is a lot to take in," Shepard went on, hoping his rising panic didn't translate to his voice. "I wanted to contact you but I didn't know where you were. Anderson told me you were doing something classified and even he didn't know where you were, or so he said. I kinda got the feeling he wanted to tell me, but couldn't."

"Because you're with Cerberus?" was Kaidan's icy reply. "Do you think that might have something to do with it?"

"I'm not _with_ them. They brought me back to life but I don't feel any misplaced loyalty, trust me. They're the only ones doing anything about the abducted colonists. The Council – even the Alliance – is doing nothing. What do you expect me to do, just ignore what's happening?"

"This isn't Council space," Kaidan said, something in his voice Shepard didn't like. "The Council can't act out here."

"Then what are you doing here?"

"As you've already been told, it's classified."

"Oh, so that's how this works?" Shepard retorted, irritated by Kaidan's tone. "I need to explain myself to you but you don't need to tell me anything. Is that it?"

Kaidan huffed, shaking his head, and finally met Shepard's eyes. "My God, Shepard. Cerberus? Have you forgotten what they did to Admiral Kahoku and his men? To Corporal Toombs? The experiment with his squad and the thresher maws on Akuze?" he demanded indignantly. "And you're quite happy to get into bed with these people? The Shepard I used to know would never do that. The Shepard I used to know – used to _love –_ had principles."

"What do you mean, the 'Shepard you used to know'?" asked Shepard, Kaidan's 'used to love' cutting into him like a blade. "I'm still me! You think I want to work with these people? Well I don't but they're the only ones doing a damn thing about the Collectors! What are _you_ doing about the missing colonists? The Collectors just abducted half of this colony and you're standing here, arguing with me? Why don't you go make your report to the Alliance and do _nothing._ I'll be out in the Terminus trying to find them. But it's fine that _you're_ not doing anything. _You've_ got your principles."

Both men stopped to catch their breath, the few feet that separated them seeming an impassable gulf.

"Come with me," Shepard urged after a long, uncomfortable pause. "I need people like you, like Garrus and Tali," he said, thumbing over his shoulder at his two companions. "I don't trust Cerberus but I trust you."

Kaidan shook his head, regret in his eyes, tightness in his voice. "I've got my duties. I can't just walk away from the Alliance."

"That's it?" Shepard demanded. "You haven't seen me for two years and you can just leave it at that?"

"I thought you were dead for two years!" Kaidan shouted, suddenly stopping and raising a hand to his brow, his voice wavering when he continued. "I … I went to your memorial service. I grieved for you. And now I find out you're not dead at all and … you're not the same man. I don't know what they did to you-"

"They didn't do anything to me! I'm exactly the same man!"

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan murmured, "but you're not." He closed his eyes for a second and sighed. "Just … be careful. Please."

He turned and started to walk away, but Shepard, hurt and desperate, ran after him and grabbed his arm, spinning him around.

"That night we spent together," he rasped, "when you told me you loved me. Did it really mean anything to you? Did I ever mean anything to you? Was it all just words?"

Behind them, Garrus and Tali exchanged a glance. Garrus nodded ahead, and they moved a short distance away.

Kaidan's mouth gaped. "How can you … I can't believe you even need to ask me that!"

"And I can't believe you can just walk away from me! I thought … when I heard you were here I hoped maybe … I _miss_ you, Kaidan. When I woke up in that lab you were the first person I thought of. I've got Joker, Garrus and Tali back with me. I thought … it'd be just like the old days with you back, too. I need you, Kai. I need people I care about. People I trust. People I know won't turn their backs on me."

"I'm glad you've got them with you. You're gonna need them," Kaidan said sadly, gently pulling his arm out of Shepard's grip. "I'm … sorry. I can't go with you. Good luck."

"You're a coward," Shepard said in disgust as Kaidan once again walked away.

Kaidan halted and turned slightly. "Yeah. Guess I am," he said over his shoulder before continuing on his way.

"Wait! Don't … don't go," Shepard pleaded in a small voice. "Not like this."

Kaidan slowed his pace momentarily but did not stop, his head bowed as he felt Shepard's eyes on his retreating back.

Shepard stood rooted to the spot for what seemed an interminable amount of time. Eventually, he sensed a presence nearby and glanced sideways, seeing Garrus in his peripheral vision.

"Sorry, Shepard. I didn't know," he offered in consolation, feeling ashamed for having witnessed such an intimate exchange.

Shepard touched his earpiece, his eyes still on the spot where Kaidan had stood. "Joker, send a shuttle. We're done," he said flatly.

He turned, walked past Garrus and Tali and waited for pickup, his companions staying a few steps behind him.

**Post Collector campaign**

"Captain Anderson," Kaidan greeted as he looked at his screen, surprised but pleased to hear from his former CO. "It's good to see you."

"You too, Kaidan, though it's 'Admiral' now. You weren't the only one to get promoted."

"Wow, congratulations, sir."

"Thanks. I'm going to come straight to the point. I've got some news."

Kaidan's heart stopped beating for a second and he lurched forward in his chair, his body betraying his thoughts. "Is it … the Normandy, sir?"

"Yeah. Thought you'd wanna know. Don't know how he did it, but Shepard got them back through the Omega-4 relay."

"They came back?"

"They came back _and_ kicked the Collectors' asses."

"You mean … all of them came back?" Kaidan rushed out.

Anderson grimaced. "Not quite. They lost some Cerberus personnel but Shepard's whole team made it back, yeah. Garrus, Joker … all the old crew."

"I appreciate you letting me know, sir," Kaidan said formally, reverting to his usual façade of control, though his stomach and heart were doing somersaults.

"That's not all," Anderson resumed. "Right now, Shepard's in custody. Soon as he got back, he flew the Normandy back to Council space and turned it over to the Alliance. He's giving Intelligence everything he's got on Cerberus."

A sickening sensation seized Kaidan, a painful knot forming in his stomach. "I don't understand," he mumbled, fearing he understood only too well. "He was with Cerberus for-"

"He was never _with_ them, let me be clear on that. He used them to take down the Collectors, that's all. We always knew he'd turn himself in if he survived the Omega-4 relay."

"Wait, you knew?" Kaidan asked incredulously.

"Hackett and I trusted Shepard enough to know he'd never ally himself with an organisation like Cerberus, not without a damn good reason. Shepard's been sending us intel the whole time, but he couldn't do it on the Normandy as all communications were being monitored. He sent us what he could, though, every chance he got."

"But, I ..." Kaidan paused, reeling from Anderson's words.

Hackett and I _trusted_ him. We _knew._

"Kaidan?"

"Uh, yeah, I-I just … well, if you knew all that, why's he in custody?"

"That's not something I can discuss over this channel. He's being held at Alliance HQ in Vancouver; that's also where I'm posted for now. I've talked to him and he's being taken good care of. He's been relieved of duty but he's not exactly in a prison cell. I'm sure he'd appreciate a visit."

Kaidan hung his head and laughed bitterly. "I doubt he'd want to see me, sir. We didn't exactly part on good terms."

"You two are old friends. He's probably already forgotten what you fought about. He's not allowed any contact with the Normandy crew and a visit from you would be a real boost to him. The past is the past. Get yourself down here, Kaidan, when your duties allow."

Kaidan looked up at Anderson's face and slowly nodded, a sinking feeling in his stomach. "I, uh, I'll see what I can do, sir. It might not be possible right away, though. Just had new orders."

It was an excuse and he knew it.

"Okay. Do what you can. Anderson out."

Kaidan slumped back in his chair, replaying Anderson's words over and over in his head. Shepard _had_ been telling the truth on Horizon. He never intended to be a part of Cerberus, and remained loyal to the Alliance throughout the Collector mission.

"Why didn't he tell me?" he asked aloud, knowing the answer before his question left his lips. He sighed, guilt and grief burning his stomach. "Because I wouldn't have believed him. Because I didn't trust him."

**Alliance HQ, 2186**

Kaidan paced impatiently and stopped, turning to look at the doors. Behind them was the committee who, on Shepard's word, would decide how to act.

Three years after Shepard had warned the galaxy, and had subsequently been ignored, the Reapers had arrived.

Shepard was on his way with Anderson. The admiral seemed to have been gone forever, but with a glance at his watch Kaidan noted it had only been minutes. Each second that passed brought Shepard closer to him, each second increased the rate of Kaidan's heartbeat and the rush of blood through his ears.

Kaidan had never visited Shepard during his incarceration. Oh, he'd meant to, several times. He'd even flown a shuttle to HQ, landed it and sat in it for more than an hour, trying to figure out what he'd say, but everything that came into his head felt inadequate. He'd then convinced himself that it was for the best if Shepard didn't see him, if he just forgot about him. What was the point of opening old wounds?

As he'd flown away, he'd realised that Shepard hadn't only been right on Horizon or about the Reapers. No, there was something far more basic he'd been right about.

Kaidan Alenko _was_ a coward.

Voices from around the corner startled him from his reverie, and his gut tightened when Shepard's deep tones leapt out at him from among the other voices. Three men appeared, one of them a little ways back, the other two – Shepard and Anderson – deep in conversation.

Shepard was leaner than Kaidan remembered, those cheekbones of his more prominent than ever, and his hair had grown out an inch or two. The dark stubble that peppered his jaw gave his face an angular, almost mean look; a far cry from the bright-eyed, full-faced man Kaidan once knew.

Shepard was angry. Even from several metres away, Kaidan could see the ice-blue tones to Shepard's eyes, his pupils small, his gaze piercing, and that was before Shepard had even noticed him. Shepard had every right to be pissed, and his expression and almost-arrogant bearing told of a man who was going to do things _his_ way from now on.

"Good luck in there, Shepard," offered the man who'd accompanied them, a hugely-built marine sporting numerous scars and a _high and tight._

They shook hands and Kaidan stepped forward, deciding he'd better announce himself before Shepard spotted him.

"Shepard."

The newly-reinstated commander turned around, an initial, fleeting look of confusion giving way to one of outright enmity as his blue eyes once again acquired an icy glaze.

"Kaidan."

"How'd it go in there, Major?" Anderson asked Alenko, moving to stand in front of him.

Kaidan's eyes moved between the admiral and Shepard, who had slowly approached the twosome. "Okay, I think. Hard to know. I'm just waiting for orders now."

 _"Major?"_ Shepard asked.

"You hadn't heard?" Anderson replied.

Not taking his eyes off Kaidan, Shepard shook his head. "No. I'm a bit out of the loop these days."

"Sorry, sir," Kaidan said. "Didn't mean to keep you out of the loop."

"No harm done, Major," Shepard said in a frosty monotone, placing emphasis on the last word. "It's not like the Reapers arrived and you didn't tell me."

Kaidan blinked several times, Anderson's presence forcing him to maintain his poise even though he felt like he'd been kicked in the chest. "Right," he managed.

"Admiral," called an aide, beckoning Anderson and Shepard into the next room.

"Let's go, Shepard," ordered the admiral.

As Shepard moved past him, Kaidan gave a nod, but the commander walked by, their eyes briefly meeting. Just for a second, Kaidan imagined he saw something in Shepard's that gave him wretched hope.

Not hatred, but hurt. What a shitty thing to hope for.

The doors were closed and the brawny marine approached Kaidan, his curiosity piqued.

"You know the commander?"

_I know everything about him. I know his laugh, and his smile gives me goosebumps, though I haven't seen it in a very long time. I know how vulnerable he can be and I know how deeply he feels things. I know he hurts sometimes. I know every inch of his body. I know exactly where he likes to be touched. Damn, I'd give anything to hear him whisper my name again, to touch him, to hold him, just for him to look at me without seeing a stranger._

_I'd give anything to turn back the clock._

"I used to."


	2. Being Kaidan Alenko

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of slight changes to canon here, relating to Kaidan's aftercare when Dr. Eva attacks him. First, Shepard is not going to sling him over his shoulder, as no one would (or should) do that in real life considering Kaidan's neck is possibly broken. Second, as far as I know Liara isn't a medical doctor, so she won't be 'treating' Kaidan on board the Normandy. Just wanted to explain in case anyone wonders at the changes. :-)
> 
> I'd like to thank you all for your response to chapter one. I haven't published on AO3 for a while and was a little nervous, but your wonderful comments and kudos quickly put paid to that! I hope you enjoy chapter two!
> 
> Last but not least, a big thank you to CCBug for checking canon and Kaidan. The (D)devil's in the detail. :D

**The Normandy, en-route to Mars**

Shepard stared at the screen until his head hurt and, realising he hadn't blinked for God knows how long, rubbed his eyes and closed them for a few moments.

When he opened them, however, Kaidan's email, the one he'd sent after Horizon, was still there.

_That night meant everything to me … I couldn't bear it if I lost you again._

Shepard had never deleted it. He almost did, immediately after receiving it, but that was what the old Shepard would have done. The old Shepard would have reacted angrily, rashly, emotionally. _Too_ emotionally. The new Shepard, the one who'd been touched by Kaidan's steadying influence, decided that deleting it was too final, too permanent. So he decided to keep it, but swore never to read it again.

But he read it almost every day afterwards, sometimes several times a day, hating it less and less each time until he'd eventually stopped, almost forgetting about it.

Almost.

_When things settle down a little … maybe … I don't know. Just take care._

The metaphorical pendulum had swung away, Shepard's initial indignation and anger over Horizon yielding to sorrow, and then finally to acceptance. Now, the pendulum was swinging back, fast and hard, all of the old feelings he thought he'd dealt with returning at breakneck speed.

He felt out of control, and Shepard didn't _do_ 'out of control'. Not any more. That was the old Shepard.

"Before Kaidan," he said dully, startling when the comm. chirped.

"Commander, entering orbit around Mars," Joker announced, sending Shepard's thoughts scattering.

"Thanks." He sighed, stood up, switched off his private terminal and left his cabin.

When he arrived at the shuttle bay, Lieutenant Vega was waiting for him, as was Kaidan.

"Thought you might need an extra pair of hands," Kaidan offered immediately, feeling the need to explain himself even though he was technically Shepard's superior. "If you want them, that is."

There was a pause, and James's eyes moved back and forth between the two men.

Sensing an atmosphere, he quickly jumped in. "Don't know what we'll find down there, Commander, or what we'll run into. Just sayin'. Might be a good idea to bring the major along."

"You ready, then?" Shepard asked both men, looking at neither as he moved to the armoury and selected a firearm.

"Sure thing, _jefe,"_ James replied. He pursed his lips when the silent major and commander filed into the Kodiak – separately – leaving him with a burning question almost tumbling from his mouth:

_What the hell is the deal with you two?_

James got a clearer picture of what the deal was once they reached the Archives. Kaidan had made several veiled inquiries about Shepard and Cerberus, most notably about what they had or hadn't done to him. From James's point of view it was nothing more than friendly concern, but Shepard had not reacted well to his questioning, responding with an offended 'This again?', 'I shouldn't have to explain myself to you', or 'You should know me better than that', which he'd said more than once.

By the time they ran into Dr. T'Soni, Kaidan had apologised and stopped asking questions, but Shepard's mood hadn't improved, and he'd barely acknowledged Kaidan's 'sorry' with a grunt. In fact, James was almost relieved when he was sent back to the shuttle after they'd met up with Liara: the tension between the two men was palpable. He'd seen two biotics go at it before and didn't want to get caught in the crossfire when they started busting shit up.

The next thing James remembered happened so quickly he barely had time to blink. And then, it all went into slow motion as the Cerberus mech smashed Major Alenko's head into the side of the shuttle, again and again, until he went limp and was tossed to the ground like so much detritus.

Shepard dropped the mech and sprinted to Alenko's side, falling to his knees.

"Radio the Normandy!" he yelled. "Tell them we need immediate medical assistance! _Now!"_

James was already on it, and after speaking with Joker he watched as Shepard hesitantly went to touch Kaidan, but withdrew his hand at the last second, moving it to rest on his own helmet, quickly followed by his other hand.

"I'm sorry," he panted. "I didn't mean to … I just … just hold on, Kai. _Please_. I know you didn't mean anything. Why didn't I …? Gnnnnh! Just ... hold on. I'm sorry. Please. Don't let him die."

"On the way, sir," James called soberly, finally getting exactly what the deal was, although Shepard was in a place where he couldn't hear him. "Uh … though there's not a medical staff on board, just a few techs with basic medic skills. ETA less than a minute."

Shepard collapsed forward onto his hands, his body forming a protective arch over Kaidan's quivering form while Liara crouched next to them, administering sedatives to the stricken major. Shepard remained there, not saying another word, until the techs ran from the Normandy and pulled him away.

OoOoO

Once stabilised and immobilised, the major was transferred to the Normandy's sick bay, where Liara made him comfortable, but could do no more than that. Shepard, who was tormenting her with endless questions, had watched helplessly at the bedside, cursing the fact he hadn't studied medicine, neurology ... anything more substantial than basic first aid.

Now, the med bay was eerily quiet but Shepard could sense Liara hovering next to him, her proximity irritating him, making him feel hemmed in.

"What is it?" he asked, unsure whether he'd snapped at her but too preoccupied to give it much thought.

"We need to go to the Citadel, show the Council our findings," she breathed, wringing her hands together, "and Huerta Memorial has the most advanced medical facilities in the galaxy. The major should be taken there."

He stared blankly at Kaidan, appearing not to have heard her.

"Shepard?"

"Joker. Get us to the Citadel and step on it," he commanded before turning to her. "Have your findings ready to present to the Council."

"I will. Are you all right?" she asked, but EDI cut in, announcing that Admiral Hackett was waiting on the QEC.

Shepard pushed away from the bed and, knowing Liara would need to accompany him, turned to James, who was sitting nearby, having been treated for mild concussion.

"Don't take your eyes off him, James. And _don't_ move him."

James hopped down and assumed Shepard's position at the head of Kaidan's bed. "You got it, Commander. I'll stay right here."

Shepard nodded and stepped closer to the bed, gently laying a hand on Kaidan's armoured chest. "I'll be right back," he said softly. "James is here."

He lingered for a few moments longer before finally tearing himself away. "Come on," he said to Liara.

**Huerta Memorial Hospital, a few days later**

Shepard went to visit Kaidan before and after speaking with the Council, between N7 missions and every other opportunity he could. The Reaper and Cerberus troops he and his team encountered in between paid a heavy price for his impatience to return to the hospital. They were quickly dispatched and discarded, unlamented, just like the Cerberus mech had so easily discarded Kaidan on Mars.

Miraculously, Kaidan had escaped 'permanent injury' – what Shepard called it, anyway, as he couldn't bring himself to say 'paralysis' or 'quadriplegia' out loud. His mind had whispered the words to him incessantly, though, in his dreams and during his waking hours, and he was mentally prepared.

If the worst happened, Kaidan wouldn't be alone. Shepard would take care of him. When the Reapers were dealt with, he'd quit the Alliance and never leave Kaidan's side again. Anything he needed. _Anything._ They'd never mention Horizon again because it didn't matter any more. Nothing else mattered. Did it?

Only his mind had been privy to his plan, though, and now the plan wouldn't be needed, so whether Horizon mattered or not was all Shepard could think about as he sat at Kaidan's bedside.

Kaidan was snoring softly, one arm draped over his belly. His face and neck bore a mosaic of purple, green and yellow bruises, beautiful in a way, like psychedelic flowers blooming out of his very skin. A gentle breeze from the air duct ruffled his liquorice hair, which was freshly-washed and free of that oily crap Kaidan usually plastered all over it.

Shepard allowed himself a tiny smile, remembering the morning after that night, when Kaidan had showered and Shepard had laughed at the sight of his cotton candy, pre-gelled hair.

Naturally, Kaidan had taken umbrage at the teasing. That deep frown had crinkled his brow and he'd trudged back into the bathroom, searching for the gel which of course he hadn't thought to bring along. _Why_ hadn't he thought of that?

Shepard had sneaked up behind him, grabbed him around the waist and buried his nose into Kaidan's wild brush of hair, making a low sound of contentment.

" _Are you … smelling my hair?"_

" _Mmm."_

" _You-you're crazy, you know that?"_

" _Shh! Mmmhmmm. So sooooft."_

" _Shepard," Kaidan had protested around a half-chuckle, "stop smelling my hair. Seriously. That's just-"_

" _Nuh-uh."_

" _That's just wrong. Did anyone ever tell you're wrong?"_

" _Mmmmmmm."_

_Kaidan was laughing by now, and Shepard laughed along with him._

" _Pet names? Did we discuss those, Kotton Kandy Kai?"_

" _Okay, y-you know? You really need to stop this." With a twist of his hips, Kaidan turned around, goosebumps pricking at his skin when he was met with a languid smile and a deep, throaty laugh._

" _You're so wrong," he whispered, all conscious thought driven from his head by Shepard's kiss._

"Hey."

Shepard blinked, his insides gripped by something close to panic. Kaidan was awake and Shepard had been thinking about their night together. Was that wrong? Was it also wrong that he'd spent an inordinate amount of time considering how damned good Kaidan looked while the man had slept?

"Hey, I didn't expect you to be here when I woke up," Kaidan began, "but … no, maybe I should have expected it. I just wasn't sure. Where things stood."

Shepard clamped his lips shut, preventing a 'You're a member of my crew' issuing from them. Was he really going to do this? Turn into Bastard Shepard? Did Kaidan really need another reminder of how hurt he was, how difficult this whole thing had been for him?

"Although," Kaidan resumed, "docs tell me I already had a few visits from someone while I was out. Couldn't say who it was, though. He didn't leave a name. Whoever it was, I'm grateful."

Shepard glanced at Kaidan, seeing a question in his eyes. His own expression remained closed, however, and Kaidan looked away, seemingly undecided between frowning or not.

"They say you're doing well," Shepard mumbled.

"Yeah, my implant got a bit rattled, though," replied Kaidan, content to settle for small talk. "All things considered, I came out of being half-killed by a robot pretty well."

"Just so you know, that robot is now under the control of EDI, the Cerberus AI that came with the SR-2. I trust her and she's a member of the crew."

It was a blatant test, almost a provocation, and it hung in the air for a long moment. Kaidan opened his mouth as if to speak, changing his mind several times before he eventually couldn't contain himself.

"You trust it?"

Shepard idly rubbed his forehead, effectively blocking Kaidan from his sight. "We all do. She saved us from the Collectors. She wholly rejected Cerberus and the Illusive Man, as a lot of people have."

Kaidan sighed and fidgeted a little. "Point taken. So. Are we gonna skirt around things?"

"I don't know, Kaidan. Are we?"

After a pause, Kaidan turned to look at Shepard, who was staring at his hands.

"This-this isn't easy," Kaidan began, his tone guarded. "There's so much I want to say but I don't want it coming across as accusations. You know me, I'm not big on these heart-to-hearts. I'm just … I don't wanna say the wrong thing here. On Mars, I went about it wrong. I was trying to ask if you were okay but it turned into an interrogation, or at least that's how you saw it."

Shepard folded his hands together in his lap and sat back, staring ahead for a minute. "You're right. I was expecting an interrogation so I got one, or so I thought. I've had a lot of time to think about Mars and I should been … well. You were looking for reassurance, answers, and all you got was a brick wall." He ventured a quick glance at the major. "I'm sorry."

Encouraged, Kaidan prepared to speak, choosing each word carefully in his head. "On Mars … I pushed a little too hard," he confessed. "It was just, I mean, when we saw that Cerberus soldier, the one that looked like a husk? Shepard, they had you for _two years_. The thought they might have experimented on you was just … I was angry. Not at you. At them. All I could think of was them doing whatever the hell they wanted to you while you couldn't defend yourself. I was pissed, Shepard. I _needed_ to know for sure."

"And do you?" Shepard asked quietly, still not looking at him. "Do you think they did something which means I'm not me any more?"

"Would _you_ know?"

"That's a yes, then," replied Shepard around a sharp intake of breath, edging forward in his seat, ready to stand.

Kaidan's arm moved, reaching for Shepard, but then, lacking in strength, it flopped against his chest. "No, it's not. It's not a yes. But how would you know?"

Shepard rested his head on his hand, wondering if they'd ever get past this.

"Can't you see where I'm coming from?" asked Kaidan, sensing Shepard's disappointment. "I … okay. Time to stop beating about the bush. _I_ know you're still you. But all I can think about is that they got their hands on you, on my ..." He sighed. "On _my_ Shepard. 'Cause … that's how I saw it at the time. They put their hands on you. They probably treated you like a slab of beef. All I can see is them cutting into you, putting implants in you, running tests on you. _Manhandling_ you. You weren't a person to them, you were a _case."_

Kaidan shook his head in agitation, his ability to plan his words in advance gone. _"_ Damn it, Shepard, shoot me for being childish but they saw you naked. They know your body better than I do. They did God knows what to you, poking, prodding, touching ... I-I-I feel like you were violated. I lived that vicariously through you every time I closed my eyes. They violated you. Violated _us."_

Finally, Shepard met his eyes, grief and terrible understanding in his blue ones. His mouth went slack and he tried to speak, but couldn't quite manage it.

"You were there to serve _them_ ," Kaidan continued, his voice gravelly. "They brought you back to life not because they cared about you but because you were a tool. You spent two years lying on a table, on your own, unloved, just-just a _thing_. You were so lonely. You didn't know it, but I did. I felt that loneliness when I said goodbye to you. We were both surrounded by people but we were apart from everything, everyone. And when I found out you were still alive I realised that I should have been with you but I wasn't, and-and that … it just about killed me."

"Kai," Shepard whispered, swallowing down a hard lump.

"I just needed to explain why I was pushing you, why I kept asking questions on Mars. I knew it was hurting you but … God, all I've done is _hurt_ you." He glanced up, seeing that Shepard had turned slightly towards him, but was still looking down.

"But you were hurting, too," the commander murmured softly. "You thought I was dead. You went through … I can't even imagine what, and then you found out I was still alive, and working for terrorists who'd probably brainwashed me."

"This is so. Fucked. Up," Kaidan ground out, his hands clenching into fists.

"I wanted to contact you, tried to," began Shepard, his eyes moving to Kaidan's hands, which he longed to touch but it was too soon, too intimate a gesture. "I didn't try as hard as I could have, though. I was still a Spectre. I had contacts, I could have leaned on people but I didn't. I was ashamed," he admitted. "Jacob – one of the Cerberus operatives – told me about cells within Cerberus, that they didn't know what the other cells were doing. So I conveniently told myself that the cells responsible for what happened to Admiral Kahoku, Corporal Toombs, had nothing to do with the cell I was working for," he went on, noticing Kaidan pushing himself up slightly.

"But you knew that wasn't true. You must have known."

Shepard slowly nodded, turning another couple of inches towards the bed. "Yeah, I knew. It was just easier not to think about the fact I'd gotten into bed with the devil. I thought about you constantly, about what I'd say to you, how I'd explain myself. I knew how you'd react and hell, I couldn't think of an argument against that. If I'd been in your place I would have felt the same way. So I procrastinated, convincing myself that when and if we met up I'd come up with something, anything, that wouldn't make me feel embarrassed to look you in the eye."

Their eyes met and Shepard sighed again. "But I left it too late, Kai. I should have told you I was alive. I regret that more than anything, even more than being with Cerberus. I don't know if two weeks would have made a difference after you thinking I was dead for two years. But I still should have told you as soon as I was out of that lab.

When I heard you were on Horizon I knew I had an explanation ready for you, a good one, one that even I believed in. But I thought you'd accept it, I thought we'd just pick up from where we left off. I thought you'd throw everything away and go with me. I was so stupid, so selfish. I underestimated what you'd been through, exactly how much I'd hurt you. I should have known better. I should have known _you_ better."

They sat in silence for a minute or two, their thoughts their own. Eventually, Kaidan activated his bed controls and propped himself right up, bringing himself to eye level with Shepard.

"Okay. So we've got that off of our chests. I think … we both knew what the other's reasons were, didn't we? But back then, there was a lot of hurt, a lot of blame and confusion, and we couldn't see past that."

"Yeah," Shepard agreed, his eyes again on Kaidan's hands. Was it still too soon?

"But there's something that's been eating away at me this whole time," said Kaidan, a hint of fear in his eyes.

"Go on. Best we get everything out in the open," Shepard encouraged.

"Right." Kaidan laughed nervously and fidgeted, bracing himself for the answer he knew was coming. "Okay. You talked about our positions being reversed. If I-If it had been the other way around, I mean, if it had been me with Cerberus, would you have gone with me? Would you have left the Alliance, abandoned your duties, become a fugitive, because I asked you to? I want the truth."

Shepard thought about that for a minute, even though he already knew the answer. "Yes, I would have gone with you. Without hesitation. If only to keep the devil off your back. Sorry. You asked for the truth."

"Yeah. That's what I thought you'd say." Kaidan turned to face the window.

"But," Shepard added, "if you'd done all that, if you'd walked away from your duty, from your responsibilities, from the people who depended on you, you wouldn't be Kaidan Alenko."

Kaidan shook his head, and Shepard, although he couldn't see his face, could swear that he rolled his eyes.

"Kaidan Alenko. Yep. My middle name should be 'Duty'."

"No, you don't-" Shepard began, touching Kaidan's arm, the meeting of their bare skin awakening something in them both, but they remained stock still, the only sounds to be heard their inhibited breathing, the tattoo of their heartbeats in their ears. Shepard removed his hand from Kaidan's arm, cleared his throat, and continued. "You don't understand. That's one of the things I always admired about you, Kai."

"Admired?" scoffed the major, turning back a little, feeling – _hoping_ he could feel – Shepard's eyes on the expanse of his bare back. He suddenly felt very vulnerable but, at the same time, a thrill ran through him.

"Yeah. You know me, Kai. I've always played fast and loose with the rules."

"Sometimes you had no choice. Sometimes people didn't give you a choice."

"Maybe. But you – there's always been this sense of dependability, of strong roots. Permanence, like you'll always be there. Remember that giant redwood you told me about that could be seen from anywhere on English Bay? That's you, Kai. People know you'll always be there, that they can depend on you."

"But I wasn't there for you," replied Kaidan, once again facing the window, his voice quiet and full of regret. "I let you down."

"You didn't let yourself down," Shepard argued. "You didn't compromise yourself or your principles. And that is why people know Kaidan Alenko is a giant redwood."

"And that's a good thing?"

"What kind of tree would I be?" asked Shepard, and Kaidan started to turn around, wearing his trademark frown.

"What? What do you-"

"What kind of tree would I be? Would you be able to see me all around English Bay? I don't think so. I never stay in one place for too long. I don't have any roots, nothing tying me to anything. I switch allegiances when it suits me."

"You took down the Collectors," Kaidan said with a spark of anger in his eyes, fully turning back to Shepard. "I don't care what anyone says. You compromised yourself, yeah, but at huge personal cost. You did a hell of a thing."

"You saying I've got no principles, Alenko?" Shepard asked with a straight face. "'Cause, you oughta know, that's fightin' talk."

Kaidan gawked at him, blinking slowly two or three times. "Are we … I-I mean, are we at a place here where we can make _jokes_ about this?"

"Don't you think it's about time? Haven't we put ourselves through enough? Haven't we put each other through enough?"

"I agree, we have," Kaidan said cautiously, "but it'll be a long time before I can laugh about it." He looked across at Shepard, the edges of his eyes crinkling slightly. "But then, if I did, I wouldn't be Kaidan Alenko, would I?"

"No, no you wouldn't." Shepard avoided Kaidan's gaze and once again looked down, but was smiling.

"So. What now?" asked Kaidan.

"Now, we get you better, get you back on the Normandy and then … we'll see. First things first."

"Okay."

Shepard sat up straight and brushed a few invisible specks of dust off his legs, along with the weight of the past three years. "So what's this about Udina offering you a Spectre position?"

"I decided to take it, Shepard. I wanted to tell you in person."

"Spectre Alenko. That's a big deal. Congratulations," Shepard said, extending his hand, wearing a real, heartfelt smile.

"Thanks. That means a lot to me," replied Kaidan, his fingers folding around Shepard's hand. For a second, his face went blank as a long-forgotten memory ran through his mind: their hands, fingers enmeshed, pressed hard into a pillow, veins bulging, sweat glistening...

"Can I get my hand back?" Shepard, who was now standing, quipped.

"Oh? Yeah, sure!" Kaidan released his hand, giving a self-conscious laugh, wondering if Shepard could tell.

Of course he could. Nothing got past Shepard.

"I should go. I'm glad we got to clear the air. Take care of yourself, Kaidan. I'll stop by again when I can."

"Thanks for visiting," Kaidan said brightly, suddenly feeling a crushing sadness that Shepard was leaving. "Say hi to everyone on the Normandy for me."

"I will." With a nod, Shepard turned to leave.

"Shepard, d'you think maybe …?"

The commander stopped, his hand resting against the door, and looked over his shoulder. "Maybe ...?"

"I, ah, was just gonna say, be careful out there, okay?"

Shepard watched him for a few seconds, something in his eyes that Kaidan remembered but couldn't quite place, something from a very long time ago.

"You bet." Turning again, Shepard left the room, the doors sliding shut.

Kaidan slumped back against his pillow, his hands covering his face. Oh, yeah. Shepard could _tell._ Kaidan started to laugh to himself, feeling like he'd felt aboard the SR-1 when he first suspected that he and Shepard might just be a _thing_.

"Oh, man," he groaned, revelling in the fluttering of his stomach. "Good thing I'm in the hospital, 'cause I'm just not being Kaidan Alenko."

But had Shepard really looked at him in a 'certain way'? Was it just hope on Kaidan's part? Maybe too much time had passed, too much had been said, too many arrows had been slung?

They'd talked and started the process of healing, but scars remained on both sides. What if …?

Kaidan clutched his forehead, feeling the beginnings of a migraine.

He _was_ being Kaidan Alenko after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Jefe - Spanish for boss, chief.


	3. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, an apology. I know I said this would be three chapters long, and there would be smut in chapter three, but as I wrote it, it went on and on and was getting too long, so I've split the story into four chapters. There's no sex in chapter three, and some of the detail is probably superfluous, but I'll leave that for you to judge. I read back through it and didn't want to delete anything so here it is. Once again, sorry for not delivering the promised smut this time, but I will update again before Christmas and then you will have it! I just want to make sure I get it right so I hope you'll forgive me!
> 
> Second, another slight change to canon: Udina doesn't get shot in this story, because I want him to rot in jail and have unspeakable things done to him. ;)
> 
> Third, thanks again to everyone for reading, leaving kudos or commenting. I wrote this for my own pleasure but it makes my day if anyone else enjoys it as well!

** Citadel Embassies, ten days later **

Kaidan hadn't been officially discharged from Huerta Memorial but it was only a matter of time, red tape and pad work. He'd improved so much that his doctors were quite happy for him to stroll about the Citadel, with the proviso that he was implanted with a tiny chip that would allow them to monitor his vital signs.

Kaidan felt great. He'd taken the steps up to the Spectre office with no trouble at all. There was no dizziness, no breathlessness, no aching joints. He knew he was ready to be released and intended to have a quiet word with the hospital administrator that very afternoon.

He stood outside the door, exchanging a nod with the turian C-Sec officer to its side, and wondered what he was supposed to do. Was there a password, a retina scanner, a secret hand signal known only to the chosen few?

"Just go in, Major," the C-Sec officer whispered, a knowing look in his eyes. "The VI knows who's a Spectre and who isn't. If you're not a Spectre, the door won't open."

"Oh, right," replied Kaidan, slightly embarrassed. "Thanks."

He stepped through the opening doors, releasing a sigh as they slid shut behind him. He'd been granted Spectre status by Udina via an omni-tool exchange, but there hadn't been a ceremony yet, which Kaidan was secretly pleased about. He'd be quite happy never to have a ceremony, especially if it involved crowds.

There was no Spectre training manual or school. The only advice he'd received had been from Shepard when they'd spoken over the QEC a few days earlier. Shepard had told Kaidan that he'd learn of assignments from the Spectre Terminal or directly from the Council. Kaidan guessed he hadn't been given any assignments yet as he was still technically an inpatient.

That was the last time he'd spoken to Shepard, and there had been no more hospital visits since the first one when they'd cleared the air about Horizon and Mars. Given the nature of the Normandy's latest mission, it was likely Shepard was taking some well-deserved down time.

Everyone was talking about it. After 1400 years, the genophage was no more. Not only that, but Shepard had personally brokered a deal between the turians and the krogan which, to some, was even more astonishing.

Kaidan gave a half-smile, shaking his head. Shepard was flavour of the month, a hero again, for now at least. Not so long ago he'd been the _disgraced_ Commander Shepard, destroyer of relays and batarian colonies, not to mention suspected Cerberus collaborator. How quickly people's opinions changed.

Kaidan's smile slipped with the realisation that _he'd_ been one of those people. So quick to judge, to jump to conclusions, without knowing all of the facts.

"Without _wanting_ to know them," he said to himself, once again shaking his head.

He walked further into the office, idly examining the Spectre terminal, finding no available missions or intel. His thoughts drifted back to Shepard, and his heart ached. They were back on civil terms but Kaidan had had ten days to think, and he knew he wanted more than that. The question was, did Shepard want the same thing? Did he still have feelings for Kaidan?

Their conversation over the QEC had been … civil. One of the emails he'd exchanged with Garrus told him that Shepard had enquired about his health and sent a 'hello'. Yes, it had all been very civil. And that was about all. Shepard, reticent to the last, hadn't sent any emails or indicated that there might be anything – the slightest thing – between them.

But that was just Shepard's way, and it was more frustrating than ever now. The commander nearly always held his cards close to his chest, only sharing his thoughts, his fears, with a select inner circle.

But was Kaidan still part of that inner circle, or had he blown it?

He could have sent an email of his own, but didn't want Shepard to think he was being stalked.

 _Excuses,_ his mind taunted.

Shepard had done all the chasing, all the flirting, all the work when they'd served aboard the SR-1. Kaidan hadn't rejected his advances, but hadn't exactly encouraged them, either, and had regularly reminded Shepard about the regs on fraternisation.

_Coward._

He entered the firing range, gawking in amazement when a huge, compartmentalised weapons locker opened, revealing a bewildering array of firearms.

"Please select a weapon, Spectre Alenko," the VI invited.

His eyes immediately went to the selection of pistols. His trusty weapon of choice, a good, solid pistol had never let him down. Then, he was distracted by a glint of golden metal, and walked closer to the shotgun section for a better look.

"What's that one?" he asked the VI.

"Spectre-issue M-11 Wraith. A semi-automatic shotgun which is popular among slavers, mercenaries and pirates in the Terminus systems. Its use is currently banned in Citadel space."

"The Terminus systems?" Kaidan said with a sour twist of his mouth, reminded of Horizon. "Doesn't Shepard use a Spectre-issue shotgun?"

"Indeed, Spectre Shepard utilised the HMWSG-VII until recently, when he upgraded to the M-11 Wraith. He is only authorised to carry and use it when conducting Spectre business, however."

"Yeah, I'm sure he sticks to _that_ rule," Kaidan mumbled sarcastically before selecting the fearsome-looking weapon. "I'll try it."

"Do you require instruction in the use of shotguns?" asked the VI. "The M-11 Wraith is formidably powerful and notorious for its brutal kickback. The use of a recoil buffer is recommended."

"No, I'm good," replied Kaidan, weighing the weapon in his hands. "Set 'em up."

"Please select a mode of combat, Spectre Alenko."

"Uh … something basic, a few hostiles and some cover."

From the floor rose several large slabs, just large enough for a human to crouch behind. Kaidan immediately squatted behind one, resting the Wraith on the top as four holographic 'mercs' appeared at various spots around the room. Kaidan took aim at the nearest one, hunkering down and bracing himself for the recoil, wondering if this had been such a good idea after all and maybe he should have settled for a pistol-

A split second and a loud bang later, Kaidan was on his bottom.

"Oh, God! My wrist!" he wailed, fire chasing along his arm. "End simulation!" he ordered as the other mercs closed in on him, and they promptly vanished into thin air.

"Major Alenko!" a voice broke in through his earpiece. "This is Dr. Rossi at Huerta Memorial. We've just registered a sharp increase in your heart rate and adrenaline levels! Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he groaned, shaking his arm, the pain subsiding. "Just hurt my pride, that's all."

"Oh, I see. All right, then. Remember, physical therapy at 2pm."

"I haven't forgotten, Doc. Alenko out." He sighed and pushed up to his feet. "Damn implant."

His earpiece crackled again, and he activated it.

"Spectre Alenko! My instruments tell me you are on the Embassy level. Where exactly are you?"

"Councillor Udina?"

"Yes! Are you on the Embassy level or not?" he demanded impatiently.

"Yeah, I'm in the Spectre office. What's wrong?"

"Good. Arm yourself and come to my office _immediately_. The station has been taken over. Initial reports indicate it's Cerberus."

"Cerberus?" Cold dread surged through Kaidan's body and he jogged back to the arms locker, grabbing a Carnifex and a few thermal clips. "But I just spoke to someone from Huerta Memorial! How can-"

"They've bypassed the hospital and are on their way up here! Who do you think they're after? Are you going to question me all day, Spectre, or are you going to defend your Council?"

"Yes, sir! I'm on my way!"

Kaidan ran to the office entrance, his pistol at the ready, and punched the sensor panel on the door. As it opened, he spotted the helpful C-Sec officer lying further down the corridor, a smoking hole between his eyes. The officers guarding Udina's office were gone, presumably in pursuit of the intruders.

His heart in his mouth and his breathing heavy, Kaidan craned his neck around the door frame, his pistol clutched tightly to his chest. Seeing no hostiles in either direction, he quickly crossed over to Udina's office.

"Lock the door!" the human councillor snapped as soon as Kaidan stepped inside. Kaidan did as ordered and turned to Udina, who was frantically tapping instructions into his private terminal.

"Where's the rest of the Council?" Kaidan asked, moving to the windows and seeing several Cerberus shuttles flying overhead.

"I can only locate the asari and turian councillors, but that would make sense," Udina replied, beckoning Kaidan closer.

"I can try to reach the Normandy," offered Kaidan. "If they're nearby-"

"No! That is the last thing we should do! Look!" Udina swivelled his terminal around, showing Kaidan details of communications between the salarian councillor and the Normandy.

"What does that mean?" asked Kaidan.

"It means that this was planned between the salarian councillor and your Cerberus friend, Shepard! They spoke only yesterday, and conveniently, when Cerberus arrives, the salarian councillor is nowhere to be found! What does that tell you?"

"But … that can't be right," Kaidan mumbled in confusion, his stomach knotting. "Shepard isn't with Cerberus any more."

"Is that what he told you?" Udina squared up to Kaidan. "I wanted you for the Spectres because of your service record and reputation for having a cool head under fire. Are you going to hesitate now? Countless lives are at stake!"

"No, sir," Kaidan said grimly. "Where's the rest of the Council?"

"Come with me and keep that pistol drawn," Udina commanded, moving to the door. "They must be protected at all costs."

Kaidan followed, a maelstrom of emotions inside him. Confusion, betrayal, grief ... A fleeting feeling in his gut told him that something wasn't quite right, but he had a job to do. He was often guilty of over-thinking things, and there was no place for that here.

"Lead the way, Councillor."

OoOoO

Shepard clutched his head, shaking away the pain and the ringing in his ears. "Everyone all right?" he rasped, turning to Garrus, who'd piloted their crashed shuttle, and EDI, who was in the back.

"I am functioning within normal parameters," EDI replied, clambering out of the ruined craft and pointing ahead. "This way! Kai Leng is absconding!"

Shepard quickly climbed out, offering a hand to Garrus and pulling him up. They readied their weapons and chased after EDI, picking up their pace when they spotted the elevator with Kai Leng and his cohorts inside, its door closing.

"Take him out!" Shepard yelled, and the AI halted, taking aim with her pistol, but by the time he and Garrus arrived at her side, the elevator door had closed, her shots ricocheting uselessly off its surface.

"Damn it!" he growled, slapping the door in frustration.

"Quick, Shepard!" Commander Bailey called through his earpiece. "He's disabled the other elevator but I'm workin' on it! Get that door open!"

EDI duly obliged and pulled the doors apart, all three of them dropping a few feet onto the top of the other elevator, which was stationary.

"Okay, hold on tight!" Bailey instructed. "This'll be a fast climb."

The elevator careered up the shaft, and Shepard and his small team efficiently dealt with the Cerberus troops that were sent after them, keeping in radio contact with Bailey at all times.

"I've got the Council's elevator," Bailey announced. "Here it comes! Be ready!"

"I see it," replied Shepard, positioning himself at the edge of his elevator, ready to jump. When the Council's elevator arrived just below, he leapt across, landing heavily and rolling away in the nick of time as a hail of bullets penetrated the roof.

"They've got a shooter!" he hissed as the elevator ground to a halt.

"Yeah, I heard," Bailey responded. "Sounds like you made it okay, though. Their elevator's stopped. Get in there, Shepard, and take care of things. We're on our way to ya."

EDI and Garrus joined the commander atop the elevator, EDI immediately setting to work with her omni-tool, using its implements to punch a hole in the roof. They dropped down, Garrus and Shepard taking up positions on either side of the door as EDI pulled it open.

Slowly, they stepped out, Shepard lowering his weapon when he spotted someone he didn't expect.

"Kaidan?"

The major wheeled around, instinctively raising his pistol. "Shepard? What the hell is going on here?"

"He's with Cerberus!" Udina blustered, pointing an accusing finger at Shepard.

"There's a Cerberus assassin on his way up in the next elevator!" argued Shepard. "We've been trying to stop him from reaching the Council! Udina is behind this! The salarian councillor confirmed it!"

"You have no proof," scoffed Udina. "You never do."

"We have doubted Shepard in the past," the asari councillor said, "and it did not serve us well."

The two Spectres stared at each other across the mere feet that separated them, the voices of the others fading into nothing.

"Help me out here, Shepard," Kaidan said, his heart almost breaking when a golden shotgun was raised to meet his own pistol. He then glanced at the Cerberus AI contained within the mech that had almost killed him on Mars. "This doesn't look good. Just give me something."

"You shouldn't _need_ anything. We've been over this. You _know_ I'm not with Cerberus. You believed me at the hospital, why not here? I'm not going to repeat myself again. I'm done with this and you should be, too."

"Kaidan!" Garrus called, his rifle aimed directly at the major's head. "You're my friend but I'll drop you if you so much as think about hurting Shepard! You'd better decide whose side you're on and fast!"

Realising that the situation was about to escalate, with potentially fatal consequences, Shepard crouched down and placed his shotgun on the ground. He then pushed it several feet away from himself before rising, his arms held out at his sides. "Lower your weapons," he ordered his companions.

"Shepard," Garrus warned.

" _Now_ , Garrus. You too, EDI."

With an audible sigh, Garrus reluctantly complied, EDI following. The threesome stepped back, increasing the distance between themselves and their weapons. Kaidan continued to hold his pistol up but lowered it slightly a couple of times, his aim wavering as an internal war broke out between his head and heart.

"Listen to me," Shepard said, taking a few steps closer to Kaidan. "Udina's always been in this for himself. Have you forgotten how he sold us out when we were going after Saren? He was the one who grounded us! I had to steal my own ship because of him!"

"We don't have time for this!" Udina barked, quickly striding towards the console. "I'm calling the shuttle."

"This is a terrible risk," Garrus said to Shepard.

"No, it's not. I trust you, Kaidan," he said to the major, barely even noticing the others. "I _trust_ you to do the right thing. You want to arrest us? Fine. We won't resist. But you won't do that, because deep down, _you_ trust _me_. Listen to your heart instead of your head for once in your life. Please."

A shadow of doubt crossed Kaidan's face and he lowered his pistol, exhaling raggedly. "I'd better not regret this," he said quietly, his eyes locked with Shepard's.

"You won't."

With a lingering look at Shepard, Kaidan turned and walked ahead, aiming his pistol at the human councillor. "Udina! Step away from the console!"

"Councillor, do what he says!" urged the asari councillor, walking to Udina's side.

"To hell with this!" Udina pushed her away, sending her tumbling to the ground, and produced a gun, which he pointed at her.

From nowhere, there was an explosion of blue fire, and Shepard charged into Udina at high speed, both of them crashing into some nearby bushes. Kaidan ran forward, his pistol aimed at the rustling foliage, breathing a huge sigh of relief when Shepard emerged, holding the dazed Udina in a painful-looking wristlock.

Kaidan quickly activated his omni-tool, placing omni-cuffs around Udina's wrists, another tip Shepard had shared with the newest Spectre. Shepard released Udina, roughly pushing him forward just as the turian councillor cried out, pointing at the elevator.

"It's Cerberus! They're here!"

Kaidan moved to the elevator, quickly followed by Shepard and his companions, who retrieved their weapons and trained them on the door, waiting as it was burned open.

"Bailey?" Shepard exclaimed in surprise when the C-Sec commander and his men stepped through the door.

"One moment," the sceptical turian councillor said. "Shepard told us there was a Cerberus assassin inside this elevator."

"Yeah, he was here, but thanks to Shepard he beat it down the Keeper tunnels. I've just spoken with the salarian councillor. It looks like the plan was for Cerberus to execute the entire Council, all except Udina, of course, leaving him as the most powerful man in the galaxy."

"You son of a bitch!" Kaidan said to Udina, guessing he would have been murdered along with the Council.

"Get him outta here," Bailey ordered his officers, unable to keep his satisfaction from his voice. They grabbed Udina, dragging him away while the remaining councillors offered gushing praise to Shepard, Garrus and EDI.

Kaidan hung back a little, barely able to assimilate what had just happened … and what he'd almost done. He watched as Shepard shrugged off the councillors' comments in between speaking with Bailey.

He walked forward, his legs and heart heavy, and waited his turn, unable to offer more than an awkward grimace when the councillors thanked him for his help. When Shepard finally caught his eye, Kaidan's mouth opened but no sound came out.

"You okay?" Shepard asked him as the rest of the group began to depart.

"Yeah, I-I just, uh … can we … can we go somewhere? I need to-"

"I've got things to take care of. I'll catch up with you later," was Shepard's non-committal reply.

"Let's go, Shepard," said Bailey, and the two commanders departed without a backward glance.

Kaidan stood still, his body feeling as heavy as a Mako. Garrus inched towards him, tapping him on the shoulder and noisily clearing his throat.

"Can we agree never to talk about this again?" asked the turian. "Like the part when we were pointing weapons at each other, or when I threatened to kill you? Especially that part."

Kaidan's shoulders sagged in relief and gratitude, and he and Garrus shook hands. "Agreed. I never want anything like that to happen again. Damn, I'm … I'm sorry. I just-"

"Sorry? About what?" Garrus quipped, slapping Kaidan on the back before walking away, leaving Spectre Alenko alone, doubting the incident would be so easily forgotten – or forgiven – by Shepard.

OoOoO

His business at the Citadel concluded, Shepard headed for Docking Bay D-24, looking forward to a meal and a nap. He'd had no rest since returning from Tuchanka and was too tired to even think about what had happened today.

He rubbed his eyes hard as the doors leading out of the bay opened. When he opened his eyes, Kaidan was there, leaning against a wall, deep in thought. The major quickly straightened up, and there was a pause as the two men looked at each other in surprise.

"How long have you been there?" Shepard asked.

Kaidan sighed, crossing his arms in a self-protective display. "Hours? I dunno. Just wanted to make sure I didn't miss you."

"You could have waited on the Normandy."

"I … didn't think that was appropriate, considering what happened. What almost happened."

Sensing Kaidan needed to offload, Shepard rubbed his eyes again. "Kaidan, I'm exhausted. If you want to talk about this, can it be later? Personally, I don't care. You made the right choice in the end and that's all that matters."

"No, Shepard, that's not good enough," Kaidan began to protest, but was interrupted by the commander.

"It's good enough for me. It's done. I don't have the time or the energy to dwell on things like you do. Can't we just learn some lessons and move on?"

"I can't _do_ that. There's so much going around in my head I feel like I'm gonna burst." He sighed and touched his forehead.

"Headache?"

"Yeah. It came on right around the time I held my gun up to you."

"Well, I held mine up to you, too," Shepard pointed out with a shrug and half-smile which quickly faded when he saw a flash of anger in Kaidan's eyes.

"Is this all a joke to you? I could have killed you!"

"No, it's not a joke! I'm trying to make you feel better about the whole thing! Jesus, Kaidan!"

Realising his fatigue was making him short-tempered, Shepard placed his hands on his head and turned his back on Kaidan, taking a few steadying breaths.

"I'm sorry. You should go rest," Kaidan suggested, his voice softer, his hand twitching involuntarily as he resisted a strong compulsion to touch Shepard's back.

Shepard slowly turned around and released a sigh. "No. You waited hours here for me."

"I'm serious. I want you to get some rest. Maybe … later? Will the Normandy be docked here for long?"

"Yeah, we'll be here a while. Grab a couch in the Observation Lounge and get some rest yourself."

"What, you want me back on the Normandy?"

"Wasn't that what I said in the hospital?" asked a puzzled Shepard. "Unless you've had any better offers?"

"Uh, well, I was invited to join Hackett's team on the Crucible."

"And what'll you do there? Screw whatchamacallits to thingamabobs biotically? No, you need to be out there with us, throwing Cerberus off ledges or cliffs, preferably onto spikes or into pits of venomous snakes."

To his shock, a halting laugh spilled out of Kaidan's mouth. "What?" he chuckled, the pain in his skull easing a little.

"I mean report for duty, Major. Once we've both gotten some rest." He took a couple of steps closer to Kaidan, his gaze lingering on him for just a second. "I see a little grey around those temples, Alenko. You're getting old."

"Yeah? Well, I see a _lot_ of grey around yours, Commander. With all due respect. Sir."

Shepard folded his arms. "Touché."

"You … really don't care about what happened today?" Kaidan asked hesitantly, and Shepard groaned.

"Of course I care. But you did the right thing when it counted, and somehow, I knew you would. Something happened to me two years ago, Kaidan. I died. It kinda changes the way you think. It taught me not to hold grudges, not to dwell on things I can't change. I'm not saying it always works. It's kind of a work in progress. But you and me, Kai? We squared things at the hospital. Udina manipulated you so yeah, we had a little blip. But it's _done."_

"I really appreciate that," Kaidan began, a pained smile on his lips. "So long as you mean it."

"I mean it. Just, let's never do this again, huh?"

"Deal. I'll never doubt you again, Shepard. I'll always have your back. That's a promise."

"Good. I _really_ need to get some sleep now," Shepard finished around a yawn.

Kaidan nodded, his planned 'so where does this leave _us?'_ dying on his lips. "Sure. Then, maybe you can show me around this new ship of yours."

"It was built by Cerberus, you know," Shepard reminded him, giving him a sideways glance as they approached the Normandy's airlock.

"Okay, I get it. I'll never hear the end of this, will I?" Kaidan asked good-naturedly, warmth tickling his insides.

"No, Major, you won't. That gonna be a problem?"

"No, sir," he replied, feeling a lightness in his body he hadn't known in a long time, his headache gone.

OoOoO

Although the couch in the Observation Lounge was comfortable, sleep, even rest, eluded Kaidan. He and Shepard had leapt over another hurdle, and Kaidan was determined there would be no more of those. Once alone, though, the doubts had started again.

Things were good between them but Shepard had still given no indication whatsoever that he wanted to talk about _them_ – if there even _was_ still a 'them'. But then why should he? Didn't he have enough to think about, with the Reapers and everything?

"Ugh," Kaidan groaned, his head in his hands.

He'd taken a walk around the ship – the parts he was authorised to be in, anyway – and had caught up with some old friends, as well as hopefully making a few new ones. He had to admit: the SR-2 was a beauty, and its crew a fine one, a credit to their commander.

He'd also spoken to EDI, over the comm. and in person, which had proven a surreal experience.

"Uh, EDI?" he asked aloud.

"Yes, Major?"

"Is Commander Shepard awake yet? Are you able to tell me that? I mean, I don't know if you've got cameras or anything in his quarters. Actually? I'm guessing you wouldn't. Can't see Shepard agreeing to that-"

"If I may interject, I do not have visual access to Commander Shepard's cabin. I do, however, have access to his bio scans. Shepard is currently awake, and his vital signs indicate that he is in a relaxed state, or at rest."

"Oh. Okay. So … he's definitely awake?"

"Affirmative."

"Right. Uh, thanks a lot."

Now what? Kaidan asked himself. First, he'd contact the hospital and check himself out, then he'd give Shepard a little longer and wait and see if he called him or came to see him.

But what if he didn't?

"No. I do this now," he said to himself, rising from the couch and picking up the bottle he'd acquired from the pleasant guy down in the shuttle bay who was in charge of procurement.

"And what do I do with this? Ask if he wants a drink? How clumsy is that?"

He shook his head, dismissing the doubts, or at least banishing them to a dark recess of his mind. It didn't matter if he was clumsy, or if he said the wrong thing.

What mattered was that Kaidan Alenko proved to himself that he wasn't a coward.

"Let's do this," he muttered, determination in his steps as he left the lounge and stepped into the elevator.

"Captain's Cabin," he said.


End file.
